Hit by a Mack Truck.

A wise person I trust very much was talking to me the other day and made a simple yet profound statement that I’m still trying to process and work through: “Girl, you got hit by a Mack truck.” At first I laughed and then I felt like crying because that’s honestly what my divorce felt like. When I started to think about a person getting hit by a truck I didn’t even consider saying that “they should have seen it coming” or “why the heck were they crossing the road anyway” or  “Maybe they deserved to get hit by thousands of pounds of metal”. NO, NO, NO I would never think that about those lives that were blindsided by physical, emotional and spiritual trauma like that with such cruelty… my heart reaches out to them in hopes to wrap love, grace and healing around them after such tragedy and speak hope into the brokenness that has unfolded following the accident. After establishing that’s what I would do I then asked myself the question… “If I don’t talk so hatefully about the victims of real life car accidents, then why do I talk to myself like that in regards to my divorce?” I have gone over and over in my head saying “girl you should have seen it coming, he was always going to do that to you” or “why did you even try to love anyway, you shouldn’t have ever tried to give of yourself like that you knew better” or “you deserved to get hit by everything that goes along with someone dumping you, it was always your fate”. I realized when my friend equated my experience to getting hit by a truck there are so many parallels. I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING I WASN’T A PSYCHIC OR A CALOUS PERSON, I was a girl who loved a boy and gave him my whole heart in hopes that he would give his back in return…the end of that story is that he didn’t.  I was walking along trying to be the best person I could be to him with heart and arms wide open trying to love that guys life I vowed myself to and BAM my legs were knocked from beneath me and I was in a dazed state trying to survey all the parts of me that were broken. At first I didn’t even know what hit me but what I came to find was scary because everything felt damaged and beyond repair, there wasn’t a single inch of me that didn’t hurt in those first few months. He broke me in the most finite ways, at the time I didn’t even know if I was worth working on because I would be swept away into the darkness at anytime. It makes sense that the girl I was when I was with him had no choice but to try with all the might in my little heart because that’s all I knew how to do. I loved that boy so much I took his brokenness and inability to love others (including me) and carried it around in hopes that he would change and the sad truth of it is…is that he didn’t  instead he crashed into me with the full force of his fractured heart and smashed right into mine. Yes, it’s true, there were warning signs along the highway of this accident, but that doesn’t mean I need to live in shame because I dared to love someone. I took the risks I thought were right to give pieces of my pretty little soul to him and sometimes in love you don’t get a fair trade, because that’s what love is.. its giving everything you’ve got despite the risk of getting hit by that truck. Oh I wish I could tell you that he could have a book written about his life and how God’s redemption in him changed the universe but his story hasn’t been written that way yet, but thankfully, mine can.    THANKFULLY, the story is being written better then I thought it would in those despairing moments…I GET A SECOND CHANCE TO PLOT TWIST THE ENDING. I get to stand  real tall with all my scars in tact and say I survived the Mac Truck. Yeah it got me down, and yes it will take continued work to heal but by golly I AM ALIVE, I AM ALIVE INDEED. I have the opportunity to take something so horrible in my life and use it for good. I don’t have to play my ugly feelings out with the scapegoat of being a victim, I CAN BE THE VICTOR. By letting Jesus in to all the hurts and the “Why me?” and “Why did this happen?” I win. That truck never had a chance against the God of the universe that cares so much. So my question to you dear friend is…what Mac Truck hit you along the roads of life? And more importantly…how will you overcome it and realize that it wasn’t your fault you never saw it coming, there was nothing more you could have done and by living in the shadows of shame you forfeit your triumph over tragedy? The Mac Truck isn’t your ending, it’s the beginning of your sweet little story being bigger than something that tried to make you so small.

POEM: One Day You Will See.

I see it right there,

Behind the I don’t care,

Hurt and pain lurk around,

Keeping you deaf to every sound.

Hope seems but a dream,

You’ve never liked to be on a team,

Its easier to walk alone,

Instead of softening your heart of stone,

 People always end up letting you down,

You feel like you don’t belong in any town,

But I’ve observed something inside,

Past your anger and your pride,

God has such a purpose for your life,

Away from all your inner strife,

Let it go, walk ahead,

It’s not over till your dead,

You don’t have to hide it all,

We all are products of the fall.

Begin to use your painful story,

To manifest Gods redeeming glory,

It isn’t right to keep people from hearing,

That God’s grace is permanently clearing,

Death that chased you to this point now,

Even if you cant exactly explain how,

Humble yourself, end it with a submissive bow.