Unknown Wings.

I had the privilege of attending a graduation this week for someone very close to my heart. Oh high school…such fond memories mingled with both glory and grief. I looked down from the crowded stadium seats and flashbacked to a day not so long ago when it was me embarking from the comfort and familiarity of immaturity to a roller coaster of uncertainty called adulthood. I looked around and all the emotion was flowing quite nicely. The young and old alike welling with tears…either single quiet ones or ugly snot producing belly cries that make you really hurt with the person. These people were looking down at their babies, grandbabies, friends, girl/boyfriends or maybe even strangers and taking in the grandeur of the moment, the simple truth that forced them to realize that this moment demands recognition. The possibilities that are contained in the souls of those little lives are endless, and everybody knew it. These kids have a fresh start, the shiny and clean choice to go this way or that, or do this thing or that thing, decline or accept that opportunity. If I’m going to be honest about it then ill admit I was pretty jealous of that freedom. I started recounting my choices over the last few years since I was given that gleaming golden ticket to life as an adult and at first it made me really sad. I realized that there were so many junctions in my path where two choices presented themselves with equally impactful consequences and I have often chosen the road that has taken a lot of backtracking to recover from. The road that looks like the most promising at first but then quickly turns into the journey marked with the thorns of trial and the briers of bitterness. Feelings of regret have always had a way of creeping around and adding insult to injury and I am an old veteran of such roads but I’m here to say that despite the difficulty I have found them more rewarding then the magical roads of rainbows and butterflies that everyone appears to be striving for. Reread it…it was worth all the blood, sweat, tears and misery that came along with that choice. When these obstacles presented themselves they seemed daunting, the unfathomable became my reality and I was left with a choice, yes another choice…and I chose to fly. That’s right, I chose to jump straight off the sheer cliff of the unknown and pray I wouldn’t find myself squashed at the bottom. And while that free fall is always terrifying it triggered something within me that I never knew existed. I have wings, gorgeous and strong, capable wings. These wings have taken me from those days of insecure and frantic decision making to a person capable of looking past the initial threat of hardship and choosing the better way to growth and glorifying God with my life. God uses the willingness within our hearts to lead us to where he will be most exemplified. That’s amazing to me. That I serve a God who will still use me in the mess of my choices, when I appear to have messed everything up beyond repair. He reached down into my broken little life and chose to give me the courage and the wings to fly away from it…but never forget what I learned in that valley. My possibilities are still endless, and I have more bravery to walk the hard things out because I know I’m going to be more than ok, I’m going to soar. So to all you who graduated this month I encourage you to find the bold and determined part of yourself and run for your dreams. Don’t let doubt stop you, because you will never find your wings if you stay in the comfortable bubble that never causes you to risk. It takes the pressure of falling to discover the strength within. Choose to fly…I know its scary from your comfortable perch…but from those of us who have experienced this life and flourished despite adversity… its better to take the chance to see what kind of wings you’ve been given instead of wondering what it would be like on the outside of the cage of fear that holds you constrained to the life of domesticated birdhood. Happy Flying!

POEM: Go.

Bravery comes from a place within,

Far from the grips of death and sin.

You start off feeling scared and unable to move,

Then within your soul you find something to prove.

No one goes head to head with fear solely.

They have a protector who is righteous and holy.

I set out on a journey not knowing,

That through it I would never stop growing.

Where we find strength to push past,

That split second comes and goes fast.

All of the sudden you feel a rush,

That you cant ignore or even hush.

So you grab life by the hand and walk forward,

With the knowledge you aren’t a coward.

And with God for us what shall we avoid here?

There isn’t any death or end to fear.

These days are sealed and promised by him,

Bravery isn’t a chance but without even trying success is rather slim.

Healing Mirrors.

Have you ever stopped to take in all the beauty of a mirror? The way that the light refracts and illuminates the space around it. Its ability to make a room look bigger without ever moving the four walls that surround it. Most of all I think about how truthful it is, and truth is an amazingly powerful entity. The mirror has the ability to show you exactly who you are, the unedited, messy, sometimes horribly embarrassing raw version of you. When I put my face as close I can get it up to that mirror I see the details of my skin, the old acne scars, faded freckles, and the shade of sea foam green set behind disappearing little black circles reacting to the light in my eyes. If I’m honest I usually tend to cringe and look away as quickly as I can. And in those moments when I catch my reflection in passing mirrors I get to thinking…if they had mirrors that showed you what your soul looked like…what would I see in mine? Would I default cringe like usually do? It makes me wonder what would be revealed if the walls came down and we got to examine what’s really in there, the center of your existence here on the earth, your soul that houses the very life inside of you in the company of the Holy Spirit. I wonder if I would be proud to own what I saw in that mirror. Well…that’s when the soul searching begins, the long journey towards conforming yourself to Christ’s image. The hard truth is also this: sometimes our mirrors are cracked. They distort and reflect us in fractured little bits and pieces, and that often exactly how we feel and operate: broken. Once upon a time someone took rocks and threw them at your mirror to ruin the way you see yourself forever. I’m so sorry they tried to hurt you, I’m so sorry they didn’t see the damage they were inflicting upon you and I’m sorry that they convinced you into believing you deserved it. I also have to look and see if I was ever a person holding the rocks: forgive and repent. If we could just heal these mirrors we judge ourselves in everyday, put down the ammo to annihilate our value and self worth as human beings and start to practice the very character traits we expect from others. STOP CRITIZING, MINIMIZING, MISUNDERSTANDING and IGNORING the body, personality, operating system and soul the good Lord entrusted you to take care of. Stop racing to be the first one to degrade yourself so that you feel like if everyone knows your flaws you wont have to have it pointed out and truly deal with it. I know your heart is hurting and you feel like all the little pieces of you that were meant to be beautiful are so ugly and fall short of your dream version of you. But don’t let the past dictate the way that you live your life, let it shape you into a more compassionate and considerate person who is on a mission to heal the mirrors of the world.You are not perfect, but you are you and without you in the world this life would be missing an amazing, wonderful, gorgeous soul that has so much to offer to humanity. Inside that heart of yours there is the power to change this world, the ability to look past the small words and the ploys to break you down to nothing and RUN triumphant and imperfect into God’s perfect hands. You are worth so much more than what (insert person who didn’t value you) pitifully tried to be for you. Take heart, Jesus adores you, and when you look back at that broken mirror you have been a slave to I hope you see the real and honest truth. I pray that your mirror and mind goes through a healing transformation and all the sharp edges that have caused wounds would mend and reveal something incredible we’ve never been brave enough to see. I hope you realize through the restoration of your mirror that you have so much to contribute to mankind, the ability to reach through  other peoples broken mirrors that they see themselves in every morning and give them the courage to embrace their full worth too. Someone wise told me this “You can’t love people out of their state of brokenness, but you can love them in their brokenness.” Friend, please love yourself and others just as they are and I know we will come to fine a world of beautiful, whole mirrors reflecting light off of each other so that darkness will never prevail. What a wonderful world that could be.

POEM: The Art.

Its amazing to think of how many people there are,

That are each completely different near and far.

The components of a soul are complex and vast,

From present day to the humanity of the past.

I want to know Gods intention as he created my tent,

That he gave me a house for my soul to rent.

For a short time I will dwell here fulfilling purpose,

He divinely carved my heart for service.

I long to discover and embrace my true self.

Whether I remain in poverty or health.

I pray I find a way to recharge and renew,

That spark of energy that will carry me through.

Be my confidence when I have none left,

Without you my living would be depleted by theft.

The world will try and fit you into its mold,

But its best to ask the artist himself what truth his art does hold,

I will walk forward bold and unashamed,God, thank you for my design you took time to be framed.

Blankets Aren't Always Snuggly.

If there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that there is life or death in the power of your words. The very syllables that cross the threshold of your mouth can build another soul up to the highest of heights or send them down to the deepest depths. Words and phrases stick much more permanently then scrapes and bruises. They penetrate parts of the heart that were always meant to be protected but have been brutally exposed in the culture we live in today. I was thinking about different types of destructive types of speech, and far from the obvious damage of slander and gossip comes a less known but equally vicious mode of word transportation: blanket statements.

When you throw out those cement words [always or never] onto another person is does much more than just evoke guilt it sets of patterns of belief that that human heart is not bound to. When we take the reigns in our own hands and say “you always do this” or “you never do this” we create word space that is unproductive and hurtful and void of life sustaining grace that Jesus offers freely. I myself have been wrestling  with these blankets that other peoples words that have clung to me like leeches and also had to replay ugly words I’ve spoken onto others that I know still sting them. We are human, we are fragile, we take time to get to the point where we have had enough of the lies and NEED to search out truth that outshines the darkness…but unfortunately some people are so defeated they never try. These statement are on automatic replay in everybody’s minds and they are debilitating because we use them as the scapegoats to never try. We decide far before we ever dare to risk being rejected that we are inadequate because or the “always and nevers”. It breaks my heart to think of all the sheer potential and light that is being snuffed out because we open our mouths to wound instead of to heal. I don’t want to be a person that throws horrible little blankets statements on people that act as a prison to their potential. I want to be a person that diligently seeks opportunity to free and release them from stereotypes and old bad habit patterns. Why can’t we dare to live and love like this? To take the value of that person, someone that is a walking resemblance of their creator, and prioritize them ahead of our schedules, emotions, money, principles, pride and opinions. I’m not excusing the sins of others, please don’t get it wrong in that head of yours, what I am saying is that are we willing to love that person and what their capable of contributing to the kingdom of God more than we love being right? What good does it do to have billions of people who are “right” but have been mutilated with the arrows of hurtful words and retreated to dark isolation? I don’t want that kind of world, I want to live in a world that can humble itself before God and be wrong but LOVE so much more because its willing to do what’s best for his people, not itself. So put your blanket ammo down, I know I need to as well, and open your eyes, ears, minds and hearts to embrace God’s kids who are so scared and lost as it is without your judgment. We need to learn that devaluing people is the most devastating tragedy to strike our generation…when we change our purpose in gaining we will realize that when souls firmly planted in Jesus thrive we have everything we will ever want or need.

POEM: The Truth Remains.

You don’t know the way I see you tonight,

I wish you would accept it and not try to fight.

The way the light dances in the windows of your soul,

Or without loving people you simply wouldn’t be whole.

The smile that plays with the sense of a room,

And the way you touching me makes my heart boom.

Warming this cold world with words so full of life,

Your wisdom hold so much weight, it cuts lies like a knife.

Slow and easy you fill your lungs and still your mind,

Darling from where I sit your one of a kind.

You make it a point to make people truly know,

That without them humanity wouldn’t grow.

Because a vital piece of the Lords family tree,

Would be incomplete and just a heap of debree.

You give up so much to lift others up,

And willingly take an unfair cup,

Others have come and told you I’m wrong,

But really they were blind all along.

My love, give up the darkness that’s trying to take you away,

Believe what I say, I beg you to stay.

You my dear are something extraordinary to behold. Including those eyes and you heart of gold.

Mankind will never understand why I feel,

That if you not with me, nothing is real.

Go ahead; try to make your appeal,

It’s my heart you’ve already managed to steal.

Hit by a Mack Truck.

A wise person I trust very much was talking to me the other day and made a simple yet profound statement that I’m still trying to process and work through: “Girl, you got hit by a Mack truck.” At first I laughed and then I felt like crying because that’s honestly what my divorce felt like. When I started to think about a person getting hit by a truck I didn’t even consider saying that “they should have seen it coming” or “why the heck were they crossing the road anyway” or  “Maybe they deserved to get hit by thousands of pounds of metal”. NO, NO, NO I would never think that about those lives that were blindsided by physical, emotional and spiritual trauma like that with such cruelty… my heart reaches out to them in hopes to wrap love, grace and healing around them after such tragedy and speak hope into the brokenness that has unfolded following the accident. After establishing that’s what I would do I then asked myself the question… “If I don’t talk so hatefully about the victims of real life car accidents, then why do I talk to myself like that in regards to my divorce?” I have gone over and over in my head saying “girl you should have seen it coming, he was always going to do that to you” or “why did you even try to love anyway, you shouldn’t have ever tried to give of yourself like that you knew better” or “you deserved to get hit by everything that goes along with someone dumping you, it was always your fate”. I realized when my friend equated my experience to getting hit by a truck there are so many parallels. I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING I WASN’T A PSYCHIC OR A CALOUS PERSON, I was a girl who loved a boy and gave him my whole heart in hopes that he would give his back in return…the end of that story is that he didn’t.  I was walking along trying to be the best person I could be to him with heart and arms wide open trying to love that guys life I vowed myself to and BAM my legs were knocked from beneath me and I was in a dazed state trying to survey all the parts of me that were broken. At first I didn’t even know what hit me but what I came to find was scary because everything felt damaged and beyond repair, there wasn’t a single inch of me that didn’t hurt in those first few months. He broke me in the most finite ways, at the time I didn’t even know if I was worth working on because I would be swept away into the darkness at anytime. It makes sense that the girl I was when I was with him had no choice but to try with all the might in my little heart because that’s all I knew how to do. I loved that boy so much I took his brokenness and inability to love others (including me) and carried it around in hopes that he would change and the sad truth of it is…is that he didn’t  instead he crashed into me with the full force of his fractured heart and smashed right into mine. Yes, it’s true, there were warning signs along the highway of this accident, but that doesn’t mean I need to live in shame because I dared to love someone. I took the risks I thought were right to give pieces of my pretty little soul to him and sometimes in love you don’t get a fair trade, because that’s what love is.. its giving everything you’ve got despite the risk of getting hit by that truck. Oh I wish I could tell you that he could have a book written about his life and how God’s redemption in him changed the universe but his story hasn’t been written that way yet, but thankfully, mine can.    THANKFULLY, the story is being written better then I thought it would in those despairing moments…I GET A SECOND CHANCE TO PLOT TWIST THE ENDING. I get to stand  real tall with all my scars in tact and say I survived the Mac Truck. Yeah it got me down, and yes it will take continued work to heal but by golly I AM ALIVE, I AM ALIVE INDEED. I have the opportunity to take something so horrible in my life and use it for good. I don’t have to play my ugly feelings out with the scapegoat of being a victim, I CAN BE THE VICTOR. By letting Jesus in to all the hurts and the “Why me?” and “Why did this happen?” I win. That truck never had a chance against the God of the universe that cares so much. So my question to you dear friend is…what Mac Truck hit you along the roads of life? And more importantly…how will you overcome it and realize that it wasn’t your fault you never saw it coming, there was nothing more you could have done and by living in the shadows of shame you forfeit your triumph over tragedy? The Mac Truck isn’t your ending, it’s the beginning of your sweet little story being bigger than something that tried to make you so small.

POEM: One Day You Will See.

I see it right there,

Behind the I don’t care,

Hurt and pain lurk around,

Keeping you deaf to every sound.

Hope seems but a dream,

You’ve never liked to be on a team,

Its easier to walk alone,

Instead of softening your heart of stone,

 People always end up letting you down,

You feel like you don’t belong in any town,

But I’ve observed something inside,

Past your anger and your pride,

God has such a purpose for your life,

Away from all your inner strife,

Let it go, walk ahead,

It’s not over till your dead,

You don’t have to hide it all,

We all are products of the fall.

Begin to use your painful story,

To manifest Gods redeeming glory,

It isn’t right to keep people from hearing,

That God’s grace is permanently clearing,

Death that chased you to this point now,

Even if you cant exactly explain how,

Humble yourself, end it with a submissive bow.

A Glimpse of Forever.

Forever seems like a long time…because it is, it is literally all of time. Do you ever have those moments when you are so happy that it seems like you see just a faint glimmer of it? I do, I definitely do. The ribbon of joy wraps around your heart and parts the veil that separates you from a limitless eternity. You taste for just that brief fleeting blip in time that there is more to this life than the struggle and the striving, that there is a second act of our existence called the kingdom of heaven that will release us from this chapter into something new. I’ve had a few of those moments lately, and on one hand it is exhilarating and refreshing to my soul that feels so dry sometimes. The other shaking hand that’s clenched tight around my fears reluctantly forfeits its cynicism for just a second to acknowledge that forever could feel this good, it could be this free. When it recoils though it comes back with a vengeance and the thoughts of dark days reminds my logical side to protect and prepare for the worst. Why do I live like that? Why do I shrink back and resist the life giving fruit of God’s love to hold onto that? THAT ISNT LOGICAL IT’S CONTROLING. So many times I just want to keep all the pain for myself and mull it over for awhile. I like to sit in it, pull out my victim pass and ride it through excuse town to get me to the next tragedy. That isn’t living, its avoiding. Its taking the round about way of pain, but in reality all its doing is prolonging and more deeply planting the pain so it grows roots down in the soul. That’s my default though, anything to get through facing that giant head on, I try to find my reasons to justify my cowardly escape route so I don’t have to deal with it. The question remains though, is that what my forever looks like? Hiding behind the reasons and the carefully crafted words to claim the “get out of pain instantly” card? Simply, the answer is no, that’s just lying to yourself. Gods kind of forever doesn’t include pain, but in this first act we need to learn how to lean into it instead of shrink back. In my own life I’ve been trying to practice this lost art of not running with my arms flailing away from these horrible little sections of my story. Its scary, painful and life altering when I choose to stare my insecurities, doubt and fear square on and tell them that I’m enough, I’m worthy of love and I don’t need their approval to thrive. In this comfortable society being even slightly uncomfortable is one of the scariest things we encounter. To lose control of the steering wheel for just a second seems like failure, we’ve lost the power when something doesn’t go our way or feel the way we thought it would. When our days are done here on the earth do you think we will be most focused on the waiter not being the best or the guy tailgating the rear of your car all the way down the freeway? My guess is no…because in between all those little annoyances were great moments that we missed because our priorities were all wrong. We were searching for the perfect present moments instead of desperately seeking the forever moments. The ones that are written on the tablets of our hearts that make it to the other side in our treasure chest of life. The crazy thing about it is, is that those moments usually follow great long ugly seasons of trial and tribulation. How can we fully appreciate the glimpses of effortless eternity if we haven’t struggled through the constant failures of now?  This is what I propose: keep an eye out for these nuggets of foreshadowing our next life for they are few and fleeting. If you don’t look, you wont see, and when they do pass the windows of your soul and your eyes are wide open and in awe take a snapshot of them because they are sneak peaks of forever. So be brave, lean in, embrace now in hopes of benefitting fully from the forever God designed for you. I think you’ll find the preview is worth all the efforts your heart will make to see the full picture.  

POEM: My kind of Me.

Now that you’ve gone its so very clear to see, 

Who I would have been if I hadn’t been set free. 

A sad little shadow of a person that was once solid inside, 

Roaming with whispers of upon a time from the soul that had already packed up and thought it died. 

Tired eyes and frown lines marked who I had been, 

Living in tiny houses made of lies built on foundations of sin, 

Thinking that there was only one way to live with no way out, 

Filled with rooms full of recordings replaying my crippling doubt. 

The crazy part of it is, is it was all so real, 

Every time I accepted my failure, he added to it with another appeal, 

Adding to the growing list of why I would never be enough, 

While simultaneously accusing I was always too much, casting stones when I called his bluff. 

Back and forth I go retracing steps with all my what if, 

When I dwell on all that was my body goes stiff. 

I freeze in my tracks realizing how very close I came, 

He took my beautifully wild spirit and tried to make it his kind of tame, 

That wasn’t ever going to work, not if I wanted to grow, 

The more I replay it the more I come to know. 

He was part of the plan to get me to this scene, 

This slice of my story that can exclaim he was nothing but mean. 

The necessary part between point A and point B, 

To lead me to point C where I find out I actually like me. 

Contrary to belief he was the center of ever after, 

Now I thank God for the biggest favor of his absence, sealed with my redeeming laughter.