A Glimpse of Forever.

Forever seems like a long time…because it is, it is literally all of time. Do you ever have those moments when you are so happy that it seems like you see just a faint glimmer of it? I do, I definitely do. The ribbon of joy wraps around your heart and parts the veil that separates you from a limitless eternity. You taste for just that brief fleeting blip in time that there is more to this life than the struggle and the striving, that there is a second act of our existence called the kingdom of heaven that will release us from this chapter into something new. I’ve had a few of those moments lately, and on one hand it is exhilarating and refreshing to my soul that feels so dry sometimes. The other shaking hand that’s clenched tight around my fears reluctantly forfeits its cynicism for just a second to acknowledge that forever could feel this good, it could be this free. When it recoils though it comes back with a vengeance and the thoughts of dark days reminds my logical side to protect and prepare for the worst. Why do I live like that? Why do I shrink back and resist the life giving fruit of God’s love to hold onto that? THAT ISNT LOGICAL IT’S CONTROLING. So many times I just want to keep all the pain for myself and mull it over for awhile. I like to sit in it, pull out my victim pass and ride it through excuse town to get me to the next tragedy. That isn’t living, its avoiding. Its taking the round about way of pain, but in reality all its doing is prolonging and more deeply planting the pain so it grows roots down in the soul. That’s my default though, anything to get through facing that giant head on, I try to find my reasons to justify my cowardly escape route so I don’t have to deal with it. The question remains though, is that what my forever looks like? Hiding behind the reasons and the carefully crafted words to claim the “get out of pain instantly” card? Simply, the answer is no, that’s just lying to yourself. Gods kind of forever doesn’t include pain, but in this first act we need to learn how to lean into it instead of shrink back. In my own life I’ve been trying to practice this lost art of not running with my arms flailing away from these horrible little sections of my story. Its scary, painful and life altering when I choose to stare my insecurities, doubt and fear square on and tell them that I’m enough, I’m worthy of love and I don’t need their approval to thrive. In this comfortable society being even slightly uncomfortable is one of the scariest things we encounter. To lose control of the steering wheel for just a second seems like failure, we’ve lost the power when something doesn’t go our way or feel the way we thought it would. When our days are done here on the earth do you think we will be most focused on the waiter not being the best or the guy tailgating the rear of your car all the way down the freeway? My guess is no…because in between all those little annoyances were great moments that we missed because our priorities were all wrong. We were searching for the perfect present moments instead of desperately seeking the forever moments. The ones that are written on the tablets of our hearts that make it to the other side in our treasure chest of life. The crazy thing about it is, is that those moments usually follow great long ugly seasons of trial and tribulation. How can we fully appreciate the glimpses of effortless eternity if we haven’t struggled through the constant failures of now?  This is what I propose: keep an eye out for these nuggets of foreshadowing our next life for they are few and fleeting. If you don’t look, you wont see, and when they do pass the windows of your soul and your eyes are wide open and in awe take a snapshot of them because they are sneak peaks of forever. So be brave, lean in, embrace now in hopes of benefitting fully from the forever God designed for you. I think you’ll find the preview is worth all the efforts your heart will make to see the full picture.  

POEM: My kind of Me.

Now that you’ve gone its so very clear to see, 

Who I would have been if I hadn’t been set free. 

A sad little shadow of a person that was once solid inside, 

Roaming with whispers of upon a time from the soul that had already packed up and thought it died. 

Tired eyes and frown lines marked who I had been, 

Living in tiny houses made of lies built on foundations of sin, 

Thinking that there was only one way to live with no way out, 

Filled with rooms full of recordings replaying my crippling doubt. 

The crazy part of it is, is it was all so real, 

Every time I accepted my failure, he added to it with another appeal, 

Adding to the growing list of why I would never be enough, 

While simultaneously accusing I was always too much, casting stones when I called his bluff. 

Back and forth I go retracing steps with all my what if, 

When I dwell on all that was my body goes stiff. 

I freeze in my tracks realizing how very close I came, 

He took my beautifully wild spirit and tried to make it his kind of tame, 

That wasn’t ever going to work, not if I wanted to grow, 

The more I replay it the more I come to know. 

He was part of the plan to get me to this scene, 

This slice of my story that can exclaim he was nothing but mean. 

The necessary part between point A and point B, 

To lead me to point C where I find out I actually like me. 

Contrary to belief he was the center of ever after, 

Now I thank God for the biggest favor of his absence, sealed with my redeeming laughter.