Hit by a Mack Truck.

A wise person I trust very much was talking to me the other day and made a simple yet profound statement that I’m still trying to process and work through: “Girl, you got hit by a Mack truck.” At first I laughed and then I felt like crying because that’s honestly what my divorce felt like. When I started to think about a person getting hit by a truck I didn’t even consider saying that “they should have seen it coming” or “why the heck were they crossing the road anyway” or  “Maybe they deserved to get hit by thousands of pounds of metal”. NO, NO, NO I would never think that about those lives that were blindsided by physical, emotional and spiritual trauma like that with such cruelty… my heart reaches out to them in hopes to wrap love, grace and healing around them after such tragedy and speak hope into the brokenness that has unfolded following the accident. After establishing that’s what I would do I then asked myself the question… “If I don’t talk so hatefully about the victims of real life car accidents, then why do I talk to myself like that in regards to my divorce?” I have gone over and over in my head saying “girl you should have seen it coming, he was always going to do that to you” or “why did you even try to love anyway, you shouldn’t have ever tried to give of yourself like that you knew better” or “you deserved to get hit by everything that goes along with someone dumping you, it was always your fate”. I realized when my friend equated my experience to getting hit by a truck there are so many parallels. I DIDN’T SEE IT COMING I WASN’T A PSYCHIC OR A CALOUS PERSON, I was a girl who loved a boy and gave him my whole heart in hopes that he would give his back in return…the end of that story is that he didn’t.  I was walking along trying to be the best person I could be to him with heart and arms wide open trying to love that guys life I vowed myself to and BAM my legs were knocked from beneath me and I was in a dazed state trying to survey all the parts of me that were broken. At first I didn’t even know what hit me but what I came to find was scary because everything felt damaged and beyond repair, there wasn’t a single inch of me that didn’t hurt in those first few months. He broke me in the most finite ways, at the time I didn’t even know if I was worth working on because I would be swept away into the darkness at anytime. It makes sense that the girl I was when I was with him had no choice but to try with all the might in my little heart because that’s all I knew how to do. I loved that boy so much I took his brokenness and inability to love others (including me) and carried it around in hopes that he would change and the sad truth of it is…is that he didn’t  instead he crashed into me with the full force of his fractured heart and smashed right into mine. Yes, it’s true, there were warning signs along the highway of this accident, but that doesn’t mean I need to live in shame because I dared to love someone. I took the risks I thought were right to give pieces of my pretty little soul to him and sometimes in love you don’t get a fair trade, because that’s what love is.. its giving everything you’ve got despite the risk of getting hit by that truck. Oh I wish I could tell you that he could have a book written about his life and how God’s redemption in him changed the universe but his story hasn’t been written that way yet, but thankfully, mine can.    THANKFULLY, the story is being written better then I thought it would in those despairing moments…I GET A SECOND CHANCE TO PLOT TWIST THE ENDING. I get to stand  real tall with all my scars in tact and say I survived the Mac Truck. Yeah it got me down, and yes it will take continued work to heal but by golly I AM ALIVE, I AM ALIVE INDEED. I have the opportunity to take something so horrible in my life and use it for good. I don’t have to play my ugly feelings out with the scapegoat of being a victim, I CAN BE THE VICTOR. By letting Jesus in to all the hurts and the “Why me?” and “Why did this happen?” I win. That truck never had a chance against the God of the universe that cares so much. So my question to you dear friend is…what Mac Truck hit you along the roads of life? And more importantly…how will you overcome it and realize that it wasn’t your fault you never saw it coming, there was nothing more you could have done and by living in the shadows of shame you forfeit your triumph over tragedy? The Mac Truck isn’t your ending, it’s the beginning of your sweet little story being bigger than something that tried to make you so small.

POEM: One Day You Will See.

I see it right there,

Behind the I don’t care,

Hurt and pain lurk around,

Keeping you deaf to every sound.

Hope seems but a dream,

You’ve never liked to be on a team,

Its easier to walk alone,

Instead of softening your heart of stone,

 People always end up letting you down,

You feel like you don’t belong in any town,

But I’ve observed something inside,

Past your anger and your pride,

God has such a purpose for your life,

Away from all your inner strife,

Let it go, walk ahead,

It’s not over till your dead,

You don’t have to hide it all,

We all are products of the fall.

Begin to use your painful story,

To manifest Gods redeeming glory,

It isn’t right to keep people from hearing,

That God’s grace is permanently clearing,

Death that chased you to this point now,

Even if you cant exactly explain how,

Humble yourself, end it with a submissive bow.

A Glimpse of Forever.

Forever seems like a long time…because it is, it is literally all of time. Do you ever have those moments when you are so happy that it seems like you see just a faint glimmer of it? I do, I definitely do. The ribbon of joy wraps around your heart and parts the veil that separates you from a limitless eternity. You taste for just that brief fleeting blip in time that there is more to this life than the struggle and the striving, that there is a second act of our existence called the kingdom of heaven that will release us from this chapter into something new. I’ve had a few of those moments lately, and on one hand it is exhilarating and refreshing to my soul that feels so dry sometimes. The other shaking hand that’s clenched tight around my fears reluctantly forfeits its cynicism for just a second to acknowledge that forever could feel this good, it could be this free. When it recoils though it comes back with a vengeance and the thoughts of dark days reminds my logical side to protect and prepare for the worst. Why do I live like that? Why do I shrink back and resist the life giving fruit of God’s love to hold onto that? THAT ISNT LOGICAL IT’S CONTROLING. So many times I just want to keep all the pain for myself and mull it over for awhile. I like to sit in it, pull out my victim pass and ride it through excuse town to get me to the next tragedy. That isn’t living, its avoiding. Its taking the round about way of pain, but in reality all its doing is prolonging and more deeply planting the pain so it grows roots down in the soul. That’s my default though, anything to get through facing that giant head on, I try to find my reasons to justify my cowardly escape route so I don’t have to deal with it. The question remains though, is that what my forever looks like? Hiding behind the reasons and the carefully crafted words to claim the “get out of pain instantly” card? Simply, the answer is no, that’s just lying to yourself. Gods kind of forever doesn’t include pain, but in this first act we need to learn how to lean into it instead of shrink back. In my own life I’ve been trying to practice this lost art of not running with my arms flailing away from these horrible little sections of my story. Its scary, painful and life altering when I choose to stare my insecurities, doubt and fear square on and tell them that I’m enough, I’m worthy of love and I don’t need their approval to thrive. In this comfortable society being even slightly uncomfortable is one of the scariest things we encounter. To lose control of the steering wheel for just a second seems like failure, we’ve lost the power when something doesn’t go our way or feel the way we thought it would. When our days are done here on the earth do you think we will be most focused on the waiter not being the best or the guy tailgating the rear of your car all the way down the freeway? My guess is no…because in between all those little annoyances were great moments that we missed because our priorities were all wrong. We were searching for the perfect present moments instead of desperately seeking the forever moments. The ones that are written on the tablets of our hearts that make it to the other side in our treasure chest of life. The crazy thing about it is, is that those moments usually follow great long ugly seasons of trial and tribulation. How can we fully appreciate the glimpses of effortless eternity if we haven’t struggled through the constant failures of now?  This is what I propose: keep an eye out for these nuggets of foreshadowing our next life for they are few and fleeting. If you don’t look, you wont see, and when they do pass the windows of your soul and your eyes are wide open and in awe take a snapshot of them because they are sneak peaks of forever. So be brave, lean in, embrace now in hopes of benefitting fully from the forever God designed for you. I think you’ll find the preview is worth all the efforts your heart will make to see the full picture.  

POEM: My kind of Me.

Now that you’ve gone its so very clear to see, 

Who I would have been if I hadn’t been set free. 

A sad little shadow of a person that was once solid inside, 

Roaming with whispers of upon a time from the soul that had already packed up and thought it died. 

Tired eyes and frown lines marked who I had been, 

Living in tiny houses made of lies built on foundations of sin, 

Thinking that there was only one way to live with no way out, 

Filled with rooms full of recordings replaying my crippling doubt. 

The crazy part of it is, is it was all so real, 

Every time I accepted my failure, he added to it with another appeal, 

Adding to the growing list of why I would never be enough, 

While simultaneously accusing I was always too much, casting stones when I called his bluff. 

Back and forth I go retracing steps with all my what if, 

When I dwell on all that was my body goes stiff. 

I freeze in my tracks realizing how very close I came, 

He took my beautifully wild spirit and tried to make it his kind of tame, 

That wasn’t ever going to work, not if I wanted to grow, 

The more I replay it the more I come to know. 

He was part of the plan to get me to this scene, 

This slice of my story that can exclaim he was nothing but mean. 

The necessary part between point A and point B, 

To lead me to point C where I find out I actually like me. 

Contrary to belief he was the center of ever after, 

Now I thank God for the biggest favor of his absence, sealed with my redeeming laughter. 

Appreciating the Cracks

To whoever you are...its been awhile I know. 

With much thought and consideration I decided to renovate this blog into something much more than just a place to pin my poetry on the walls of the internet (although there will still be quite a bit of it). I want it to be a place for healing, inspiration and a little bit of truth that keeps the hearts of people beating strong. 

Have you ever seen a vase or pot with cracks running up the sides of it like deep lines of worry on a mothers face? It always strikes me as interesting that even with all its flaws and seemingly unsteady appearance it STILL STANDS. It always gets me wondering, is that how our souls look to God? That throughout this life of ours we experience tragedy, pain, anger, and fear that leave either a fine little crack or ones that split the whole side of us apart? Perhaps each trial leaves its scar on us in the form of a tiny division that starts on the surface of us, the vessel, that may not ever be fixed and thus becomes a weak point for a full on divide to occur. Or there is another way to view these blemishes or battle scars or in simplest terms: cracks; in truth they are really just ways to let the light in. There is so much darkness in the world, it tries to take over every crevice of our souls, craving the all consuming victory of our heart…but those of us who know we are broken vessels making our journey in this life know…the cracks let the light in and make it impossible for the shadows to consume us.

When you decide to let the light shine through the breaks you ultimately triumph over all the wrong that was done to you. The cracks were inflicted to weaken your structure and to break you, but your braver than that, you use those beautifully imperfect cracks to let the love and light of God shine right into the lies, scattering the well crafted plans we were being brainwashed to accept. The bottom line of the matter of all of this is…you are good enough, with all the scrapes, missing paint and most of all the cracks. EMBRACE THE BROKEN BECAUSE LIGHT WILL FILL IN THE GAPS. I hope that together we can find ways to get outside of our society shaped idea of perfection and smash it to pieces because its unattainable and at the end of the day when the light pours into me forcing out the dark I have a light inside of me, on the very inside revealing all the sovereign truth. At that point, with open hands and a open heart… I let the light OUT too. The evil in the world doesn’t have a chance when there are bold, courageous and daring broken vessels dwelling about shedding light on the sin.

Poem: It is my sunshine.

Its been two years to this very day,

That the definition of us, I was no longer able to say.

The little signs rear their head in haunting accuracy,

Reminding me of the tenaciousness of your betrayal.

I see my eyes searching for the answers for it to make sense,

Begging you to stay with desperate promises and recompense.

I believed it was me that was broken, I believed it to be true,

But all along you laughed from your throne because you knew,

My love would have followed you any place,

You wanted to give me away and still save face.

I pleaded with you to not take the sunshine,

Recalling vows that it would always be mine,

You made up your mind and sealed the last of me out,

That’s why you couldn’t hear my blaring shout.

Not to give me up, Not to leave me alone,

But the sky faded, an my sun ceased and it was shown,

That you were gone and you took all those moments,

I swallowed my pride and loved you anyway.

You took the smiles and the laughs we had,

And replaced them with tears and holding all the sad.

You took my honor and the grace that could have been,

And returned it as shame and the ugly scar of sin,

I hang my head when people ask who you were,

Because honestly, I feel like a liar cause I’m not even sure.

I have the picture of the brown eyed boy in my head,

But every trace of your existence is dead.

You packed up the evidence of your old life,

Brainwashed and arrogant; you act as though you never had a wife.

However, I know who I thought you could be,

I was just never able to make you see,

You could have been good, you could have been great,

You could have been a man in a respectable state.

Reality isn’t so forgiving of dreams that live in could have,

It hurts so badly to think of our redemption story that never happened,

Yet I know now from this day so long after that one,

That boy I gave everything to wasn’t really the sun,

I let him convince me that he was my entire worth,

The only purpose of my birth,

I’m older, I’m wiser, I know better now,

No matter who someone says the are, the only thing that matters is how,

How can man be greater that my king Jesus, so holy,

Truth is resolute, no one can surpass the light,

Who slays darkness and sheds the glow of hope on hearts,

That never thought they would see second chances,

And so it begins another year starts,

Continuing on that journey away from the darkness I called good,

The place where the would was inflicted remains,

But growth is usually well worth its pains,

Without that imposter of sunshine, I’m free of blemishes and all his stains.

Thank God for rainbows that always come after is rains.